


Chasing Joy

by Sumiscribe



Category: Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, M/M, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 17:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11131614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sumiscribe/pseuds/Sumiscribe
Summary: Ken has doubts that a bottle of pills and a regular counseling session are going to fix what’s wrong with him.  He takes one anyway, because it will make his parents feel better.





	Chasing Joy

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so um, this one got a little bit away from me. Day 3 of Daiken Week's theme was "Illness/Injury" and I wanted to go at it from a different angle. I went with a totally different writing style than usual, and I'm not sure I like it, but it was a good exercise for me. Hope you guys like it.

Ken is 14 years old when he finally has a formal diagnosis;  a name for the thing that has made him withdraw from the world, locked up in his room when he wants more than anything to be with his friends.  The thing that, even when he is with those friends, whispers in his ear that it doesn’t matter, that he could be anyone.  Just another body, not noticed if he were there, not missed if he were absent.  

Depression, the doctors said -- not Situational, like the kind that haunted his family for years after his brother’s accident.  It’s different than that.  It’s Clinical, a sign that his brain, like so many others in the world, just doesn’t do what it’s suppose to do.  But it’s so much more than a series of imbalanced chemicals. It’s the thing that has kept him company since Wormmon had gone, the digital world closed to them all.  He thinks, as he stares at the new bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet, that maybe it’s always been like this.  It’s always been others, keeping him going -- his parents, and the need for their approval.  His friends, and the need to redeem himself.  His partner… gone now, out of his reach.  But even then, he found things to be happy about.  Things that made him feel like he could skirt the edge of a warm and welcoming existence.  But very little brings him joy these days.  His grades are slipping.  His friends, preoccupied with their own activities, their own schools, call Less and Less.  Ken has doubts that a bottle of pills and a regular counseling session are going to fix what’s wrong with him.  He takes one anyway, because it will make his parents feel better.  
  
He doesn’t tell anyone.  Occasionally, he joins them though -- to keep up appearances, and because he wants to be near them, even though it leaves him drained beyond reason.  Sometimes he wonders how no one can notice.  Other days, he thinks that it’s right that they shouldn’t.  He feels like a ghost on the edge of the circle, and returns home, goes to bed, wakes up more exhausted than when he fell asleep.   It is Daisuke who keeps him grounded, all beaming sunshine and warmth, and a strange sort of understanding.  

His counselor means well, but he’s endlessly uncomfortable with the questions she asks, and the way it feels like she’s trying to lead him to a neat and tidy explanation.  She tells his parents she thinks he has anxiety, too.  They change his medication, and he tries to act like it helps, but he’s not sure it does.

Some days are better than others.  Some days, he wakes up feeling almost normal, like someone has finally untied the stones from his legs.  Those are the days he calls Daisuke, pulls himself together, treks out to Odaiba to chase the feeling of joy while he still can.  And Daisuke is nearly joy personified, arm around his shoulder, or hand in hand, always finding some way he touch him, to keep him outside, with Him, instead of inside with his demons.  He slows down for Ken whenever he needs, without a word ever being exchanged.  And then again, he leaps forward, drags Ken along when he needs that extra push.  He doesn’t think Daisuke knows, but he’s certain he understands.  At least, for a while.

It comes and it goes.  In the darker days, he wonders when Daisuke will tire of him -- when that ray of sunshine will finally see him for the soul sucker he is, and turn that light away.  He knows those thoughts are irrational and unfair, but sometimes he believes them anyway.  

By the time he is 15, Ken is used to the pills that Help but are never a Guarantee, and he’s tired of being verbally prodded.   One day he stops going to counseling, and reconstructs his mask of serenity.  His parents, desperate to take anything as a sign of improvement, don’t force him to go back.  
  
Daisuke isn’t so easily fooled.

“You know… if something’s bugging you, you can always talk to me.”  It’s practically been a mantra since they were 11, but the words never quite sink in.    
  
“It’s really nothing,” Ken insists with a  wooden smile.  
  
But Daisuke can always tell the difference between those, and the real ones.    
  
“I love you, Ken,” he tells him regularly, unprovoked.  
  
Most days, he doesn’t really believe it, but the sentiment is nice, and comforting in it’s own way.  He tries to say it back, but his mouth won’t form the words.  It’s not that he doesn’t feel them, but but he chokes on them every time. He feels even worse for that; inadequate, in some way.    
The day he finally says it back, he feels like he’s being strangled by thick syrup, and tears that never quite reach his eyes, and he can’t figure out _why_ .  He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Daisuke smile so brightly though, and the surge of _feeling_ is almost more than he can handle.

He feels the warmth drain away every time they have to say goodbye.

When Ken is 16, High School Entrance Exams feel like they will be the end of the world.  His brain is numb from being stuffed with information that won’t stick.  He remembers a time when school was easy, when he knew the perfect combination of study and practice to achieve ideal grades.   Daisuke asks for help studying, and Ken obliges, because even though Daisuke’s lack of focus can be frustrating, Ken would do anything for his Best Friend.  He feels like he could never do enough for him.  

He feels like he’s being pulled in a dozen different directions, and he’s sloppy; his room isn’t so tidy anymore, hasn’t been in months. He can’t focus on one task or another.  He barely notices when Daisuke reaches over him, grabs at pencils and notebooks, makes any little excuse to brush against him.  When he does notice, it is all at once, and startling.  Ken jumps, a spastic flick of his arm knocks over the remnants of his room-temperature tea, and he all but feels his brain shut down.  All he can hear is his heart pounding like a drum in his ears, and for a moment he feels like he’s been sucked out of his body.   He only realizes that it’s Daisuke who has kept him from falling out of the chair completely when he’s pulled tightly against him, ear pressed to his chest.  
  
The sound of his heartbeat is soothing, and Ken’s own heart calms, aching to beat in time with it’s match.  

He forgets about the books, and the spilled tea, and high school.  For one moment, his mind is quiet.  His muscles relax, and his arms wind their way around Daisuke -- firm, warm, hopeful, Daisuke.    
  
“...I love you,” Ken whispers.  
  
He hears the skip of Daisuke’s heart.  
  
“....I love you, too.”  
  
And for the first time, Ken realizes how much he means it.

For a moment, he feels like he's learned how to bottle sunshine. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this! If you'd like to keep up with my writing progress/updates, and see some of my much shorter drabble works, check out the "sumi writes stuff" tag on my tumblr, Sumiscribe  
> https://sumiscribe.tumblr.com/tagged/Sumi-Writes-Stuff


End file.
